Sitting back in my living room chair I give a sigh. My eyes roam across the room scanning all the things and objects that have been collected over time. I’m in contemplation and wondering what will be next. Things were always meant to change but never had I imagined they would in this way. Not pressed for a new work schedule, I’m good. This ego of mine has finally subsided and now I can focus on things that really matter. There’s a sense of peace and inner comfort that is unfamiliar to me yet some how its feels right. Usually I would be running around trying to get a lot of tasks done as I prepared myself for another tremendous work load. Suddenly on this day I have no clients and I have time. Time to reimagine, plan, and learn. Time to connect, explore, see what more is out there for me. These are the things I never could indulge in before. My ego wouldn’t allow it. It kept me working and working and working some more just to keep up with the self fulfilling obligations of staying ahead. Running and running as if on a hamster wheel with a never ending destination of accomplishment.
Having more peace on my hands I’ve come to realize how important time is. The balance that’s required to feel whole and fulfilled I never could cultivate until now and the thing that came with it was a sense of inner peace. Most Americans are statistically unhappy and never before have some of us had the ability to just relax and wait until things got back to normal. What was first looked upon as a daunting experience, having to stay home and do nothing while we wait for cover to pass, has now become a second chance. If the time was used wisely we could see that we had an opportunity to learn something new. Something new about ourselves as well as something new about our way of lives.
Before I realized that my ego was actually my enemy I could never be satisfied with the little things. I was always wondering about the things I needed to do next to get ahead and to stay in the game. Now having a chance to sit down in quarantine I have realized that its not the never-ending work that makes you happy. Yes it may look good on the outside, yes we need to do it for sustainability, and yes you are receiving accolades from your peers and others for jobs well done but the work that it takes to sustain all the material and egocentric things really can be draining on your overall well being. Finding the time to just be, or to explore new ides or concepts, to read a book for a while or to bathe in the pleasantness of discovering something new always can be something that’s enriching to your soul.
Ego can play a game with you and make you think that you should be doing more than what you already are. For some reason sitting still for a little while is equated with not doing enough to get ahead, but that isn’t necessarily true. We can still be challenging ourselves by learning new things or figuring out what will make our lives better with less labor and how to go about incorporating those new discoveries into our lives. Planning and foresight doesn’t take much physical effort and definitely doesn’t have the Ego to trip us up all the time in the process .
The more I grow the more I understand how Life is really like one big guild. It shows us through trial and error which way to go and which road fits best. We have to get to these points or be broken down so much that we realize something is off or doesn’t fit us. Me personally, I sometimes learn the hard way. I have to repeat a circumstance over and over again until I understand that it just doesn’t fit. After a while I finally come to understand that whatever I have been doing and hitting my head against isn’t for me and I have to find another way. The ego is so strong and can make you think that you need to be driving harder and harder. Once you get to a certain place you realize that all the hard work leads you right in to more hard work and it will be the ego that keeps you in that cycle because you never want to let that ball drop. Sometimes allowing the ball to drop can be the best thing you can do and may even spark up a path that you never seen before. One that ends up bringing you more fulfillment in the end, and most times it won’t look like what you thought.